POLICE BLOTTER

Violence was just one of the many themes of the day at a Libertyville stag party on Saturday. Jason Scaryscorpio was not apprehended following an incident of olive-oil bottle throwing. The bottle landed at the mouth of 31 year-old victim Patrick Pashka. Fortunately, no critical injuries were suffered, but Mr.Pashka’s front tooth was knocked loose. Mr.Pashka, a well-known Interpretive Dance Artist in the Hudson Valley Region, had to take the evening off and cannot fully return to work until visiting to his dental provider. The incident is considered by some to be a hate-crime due to the nature of Mr.Pashka’s employment. A criminal investigation is pending.

A late-night skirmish between old friends ensued at a private residence on Chesnut Street. Jennae Strawberrymane and Christophe Saylorina engaged in an intensely vicious struggle over nothing. At two separate yet quintessential moments, Ms. Strawberrymane triumphed over Mr.Saylorina, despite his desperate efforts, which included beating her for a few minutes with a pool ball in his hand. No arrests have been made, but Mr.Saylorina has humbly enrolled in Tai-Bo Classes at Long Beach Fitness.

Courtney LePremier was ticketed in violation of the County Coolness Code. The code has specific limitations on the amount of coolness an individual can exhibit in one evening. Ms.LePremier, a habitual violator of the code, was given her 6th warning after an overly pleasant evening at a local watering hole. If she does not shape up her calm and rational ways, Ms.LePremier faces mandatory Uncool classes, to provide her with counseling and anxiety training.